My Frantic Americans

If I was the President right now and could give a fireside chat (FDR-style) to all American citizens over the radio, here's what I would say. So get warm and cozy and take a healthy dose of the red pills:

     "My Frantic Americans, this is your President speaking. I would like to inform the American citizens about the state of their union in this most unfortunate year, 2010. Please, make sure the elderly, weak or infirm in your household are sitting down... in fact, just make sure everyone is sitting down and adequately restrained. What I'm going to tell you is the cold, hard, ugly truth, and I'm telling it to you over the radio so you will have absolutely no idea where I am located. And just so you all know, my presently calm tone is not an accurate reflection of how I actually feel, because, man, I'm FREAKING OUT! The state of your union is worse than it has ever been since 1861, and it's only gonna get worse... much worse. Anyway, let me break down the situation for you in the simplest terms possible.

     The economy is no better than it was in 2008, in fact it's much worse. I've tried just about everything, from bailouts to stimulus to quantitative easing and beyond, but nothing works! Those sheisty banks took the money and paid it out in bonuses, while my poll numbers kept dropping. You people keep filing initial jobless claims, asking for food stamps and unemployment benefits and other handouts, but I have nothing left to give you. The damn housing market faked me out, making me think it was going to stabilize from the tax credits and public backstops, but wouldn't you know as soon as the public money disappeared, sales plunged like a skydiver without a parachute. My colleague Ben Bernanke keeps telling me we can stimulate the economy with his loose monetary policies, but who is he kidding, trillions of dollars in quantiative easing have done diddly-squat. Even if I wanted to give you people more free money, those dastardly conservatives won't even give me an inch of slack! I gave health care and financial reform a try, but let's be honest, everyone knew those bills were dead before they made it out of committee. And you all can forget about low taxes, pension payouts, cushy salaries, retirement benefits and high standards of living, because all of that just ain't happening!

     So what do you want me to do, people?? This country we call home doesn't have a single manufacturing plant left and is soaked to the gills in private and public debt. Remeber I told you we could double our exports by 2015? Well, I forgot to tell you that the only thing we export anymore is FRAUD and, even if we did have real products to export, other countries won't let us take any of their market share. I tried to reason with China and get it to revalue its currency, I really did, but they looked at me like I had just escaped from an insane asylum. Meanwhile, the Japanese and Brazilians are running their own blatant devaluation schemes and I just can't keep up anymore... hell, even the Mexicans are buying dollars. And those Europeans, don't get me started on those fools... they're keeping the Euro down by making people fear the entire European Union is going to fall apart! How can I compete with that nonsense?? Seriously, I feel like I'm in one of those screw-ball comedy movies where everyone is holding a gun to their own heads, threatening to shoot if the other guys don't lower their guns. And I'm at a big disadvantage here, because my gun doesn't have any bullets and the other guys know it. Man, we should have never become the world's reserve currency.

     Even if I had a magic solution to fix the economy, I wouldn't be able to implement it because you people keep throwing domestic boondoggles in my face. People are dropping like flies because health care costs are spiraling out of control, and you want me to fix that? No way, the insurance companies are too strong and they give too many people too much money... not gonna happen. Oh yeah and illegal immigration, now that's a huge pain in the ass if I've ever had one. We have a 2000 mile-long border with the country and the illegals have supported our economy for years, but now they are a major drag and I have to find a way to tell millions of people to get lost. The Mexican quote-unquote government isn't doing me any favors either, because their politicians get assassinated when they try to challenge the trafficking routes of local drug cartels. And what's up with these ridiculous social issues like gay marriage? Seriously, the conservatives have made that such a heated debate I couldn't even get "don't ask, don't tell" repealed, so just leave me alone on that one.

     And as if all this crap wasn't enough, I had to suddenly deal with the worst environmental disaster in our country's history after BP did everything ass-backwards on their drilling rig and blew a hole in the Gulf's seafloor. Listen, if things hadn't already been so precarious, I would have kept those criminals away from the crime scene and been straightforward with you people about what was going on down there. But give me a break, people, this disaster was like a kick to my face after I was already down and I had no other choice but to protect my job and the jobs of my friends. Every single one of you would have done the same thing. Yeah, sure, I authorized the deep-water drilling off of the Gulf shores to appease my "drill, baby, drill" conservative colleagues, but how else could I make any progress on alternative energy and cap-and-trade?? Speaking of which, these pesky scientists really need to stop bothering me about the devastating effects of climate change. Sure it's happening and we're probably driving that boat into a cliff wall, but do you people really think I have any chance in hell of fixing that colossal mess? No sir, not this guy. And another thing about environmental disasters...can anyone tell me why we keep having earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, volcanic eruptions and who knows what else around the world? That stuff is just really starting to freak me out above and beyond my constantly elevated level of freaked-outness!

     Excuse me for a second, my frantic Americans, while I take a sip of some whiskey...

     Alright, where was I? Oh yes, I was just telling you all about how truly screwed we are as a country, and I almost forgot about the quagmires I inherited from the previous suckers in the White House. My base voted for me in 2008 so I would reverse the previous administration's policies in the Middle East and bring our troops home, but they just don't understand. We have too many vested interests over there and if I turned the spigot off right now, all hell would break loose. A swarm of lobbyists and neo-con war hawks would descend on Washington like the black plague. And if America wasn't at war, what could I possibly use to distract the people from everything else going on? I was thinking about pulling the troops out and then manufacturing a fake television war, like those people did in that movie Wag the Dog, but then I decided it would be much easier and more profitable to amplify the real thing. Don't hate the player, people, hate the game.

     Honestly, I hope those Republicans dominate the elections in November and take some of this heat off of my back. I can't wait to see their child-like idealism evaporate when they see all the crazy predicaments they're up against. A few months after November, the economy will be in the process of being flushed down the toilet and then those so-called conservatives will be faced with a choice: stick to their campaign promises or sell out their base and start spending like crazy. I'm willing to bet the keys to the White House that they open up the purse strings and go on a spending spree that would make Paris Hilton look like a financial adviser who tells people to hide their cash under a mattress. They have no idea how hard this job really is, and neither do you people! Everyone in my administration is slowly abandoning me and so are all the Democrats who voted for me in 2008. Maybe the best thing for my poll numbers right now would be to get together with Israel and tag team Iran, Syria, Lebanon and any other country who could potentially be a threat to our national security. It's an age old trick, but I'm starting to get the feeling it wouldn't work anymore, so maybe I'll just save that as an absolute last resort option. My frantic Americans, your president is now completely worn out and must bid you all good night, but allow me to end this chat with a simple request - please take some comfort in the fact that I am just as frantic as you are!"